Hustler April 2009

GIRLS 25 CHARLOTTE STOKELY Charlotte's Web Photography by Mark Lit 48 KAGNEY LINN KARTER Her First Time Photography by Holly Randall 67 THIS AIN'T GILLIGAN'S ISLAND XXX! Photography by Matti Klatt 84 DOMINNO Fun to Play With Photography by Matti Klatt 110 MEGGAN MALONE & TRENT TESORO Laying by the Pool Photography by Matti Klatt 129 CELESTE STAR She Rocks! Photography by Holly Randall 175 SNOWFLAKE One of a Kind Photography by Mark Lit FEATURES 38 THE Q&A: RANDI RHODES Talk radio's foremost progressive voice speaks out on her up-and-down career, tumult at Air America and saving democracy. Interview by Bruce David and Ted Newsom 41 HOWL'S KITCHEN Spicy spoof of reality TV's foul-mouthed cook. Comic strip by Noel Anderson 44 EDDIE VAN HALEN Exclusive interview with the guitar god. by Music Editor Keith Valcourt 56 UFO'S ARE REAL - NOW WHAT? Astronauts go on the record with what they've seen and what they know. Article by Jeff Thill 59 THE $2,000-AN-HOUR WOMAN NYC's priciest call girl recounts an eventful night on the town with Eliot Spitzer's femme fatale. Article by Natalie McLennan 64 BEHIND THE SCENES: THIS AIN'T GILLIGAN'S ISLAND XXX! A sitcom writer is marooned on an uncharted XXX-movie set with seven horny castaways! Rehind-the-scenes report by Mort Nathan 78 DEMOCRACY REGAINED - FOR NOW Obama won thanks to activists who stopped the GOP from pulling off another White House heist. Article by Bob Fitrakis and Harvey Wasserman STANDARDS 3 SEX PARODY American Schlub 7 PUBLISHER'S STATEMENT What Obama Must Say by Larry Flynt 8 TECH KNOW Essential gadgets, plus iPig speaker giveaway! 10 GAME ON Puzzles, Afro-Samurais III and beast-riding beauties 11 ROBERT SCHEER The Siren Song of Greed 13 NAT HENTOFF Preserving Our Rights & Correcting the Wrongs 15 ALEX BENNETT Documenting the Documentarians 17 FEEDBACK Farewell to Bush's BS and hello to a hot First Lady 18 POLITICAL PARODY Controversial Cuddle & Coo 19 ASSHOLE OF THE MONTH Sarah Palin 21 BITS & PIECES Hayden Panettiere gets dicked, flashy snowboards and Bucky's April Fools' pranks 36 HOT LETTERS Show and tell 37 CLASSIC CARTOONS Humorous hijinks from HUSTLER's vault 62 THE GIRLS OF MYSPACE Adventurous Janessa Jordan 81 TAILS OF THE BUNNYRANCH Making an old man happy at all costs! by XXX star Sunny Lane 83 COUGARS UNLEASHED Midwestern late bloomer Nicole Scott. by Ericka Rachelle 96 HUSTLER HUMOR Don't read these jokes while eating—unless your buddy Heimlich is around 100 SIGHTS & SOUNDS Metal rules! Motorhead madman Lemmy and Ratt's Stephen Pearcy 104 MOVIE MAMMARIES The women of Weeds: Mary Louise Parker & Elizabeth Perkins 106 FAMOUS FLESH Nipple-pa-looza: Lindsay Lohan, Kate Moss 'n' Keira Knightley 118 REAL COLLEGE GIRLS Extracurricular flashing. 120 COLLEGE REPORT Spring Break tips: How and where to get laid! 121 EROTIC ENTERTAINMENT Sitcum heaven: Teagan tarts up the Not the Bradys sequel, and Otto & Audrey show you why Everybody Loves Lucy! 139 BEAVER HUNT LIN Mag-rookie cavalcade PUBLISHER'S STATEMENT WHAT OBAMA MUST SAY President Barack Obama, please feel free to appropriate any portion of the following pronouncement: "My fellow Americans, I have instructed the attorney general to immediately launch an in-depth investigation into any crimes that may have been committed by my predecessor George W. Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney and others within the previous administration. This investigation—which will be thorough, open and forthright—is not being conducted with malice, nor does it stem from any misguided notion of partisan retribution. Rather, its sole purpose is to protect the rule of law and the Constitution of the United States of America. Let it be known by one and all that, in this country, no person, organization, business entity or political party is above the law. A failure to investigate illegal activities orchestrated in the Bush White House—a decision to look the other way—would in and of itself be a crime against the American people." You know this is so, Mr. President. Now act like it is.