National Lampoon December 1988

6 Editorial 10 Letters from the Editors 10 Those Amazing Insect Athletes! By Michael Jann Illustrated by Adam Kubert 14 Gilbert Gottfried Presents: Seven Jokes (Give or Take One or Two) That You Must Never Tell When You Open for Belinda Carlisle (But I Did!) 16 Zen Bastard By Paul Krassner 18 True Facts Edited by John Bendel 25 Yellow Journal 34 Great Moments in History: Abraham Lincoln Delivers His Gettysburg Address in Pig Latin By Louis Phillips 35 National Lampoon's Yello Pages By Gerry Sussman 45 The Great Playboy Wars By Larry Sloman Photographed by John Duke Kisch 50 The McDonnell Douglas Military Aircraft Warranty Card By Steven Young 52 Bye-bye, Bozo By Rick Meyerowitz 57 Remembering Reagan's Best Years (Somebody Has To) By Will Durst 59 1988 Presidential Study on the Sexuality of America's Homeless By Dave Hanson 62 Christmas Fear By Gahan Wilson 66 The Lonesome Boys' Ranch By Richard Boler Illustrated by Tom Tucker 70 Live from the Rubber Room! Emo Philips in "A Day at the Park" Photographed by Chris Howland 72 Soul on Ice!: The Untold Story of the Negro Hockey League By Tony Kisch 77 The Bonfire of the Banalities By Lance Contrucci 81 Evil Clown Comics: Hollywood Producer By Nick Bakay Illustrated by Alan Kupperberg 89 Hashbury Park By Gerard Jones Illustrated by David Zung 96 Funny Pages By Buddy Nickerson and Mike Stanfill M. Marek Torn Hachtman M. K. Brown Rodrigues Shary Flenniken 114 The Personals By Dave Hanson