Maxim # 76 - April 2004 - Paris Hilton, Cover 1

FEATURES 88 WE WANT ANSWERS! THE ROCK The big screen's baddest action hero lays the smack down on Ah-nuld's legacy, rabid WWF fans, and coming out of the closet. 90 COVER GIRL PARIS HILTON Overexposed? We hope so! Six pages of sizzling photos and revealing facts bring yar&lr to America's rite"` hotel heipoothan your feeble mind can possibly bear. 98 MAN'S BEST FRIENDS THE 125 CUTEST ANIMALS EVER They've made you laugh and made you cry.They've wordlessly touched your heart in ways no human ever ould. Maxim salutes TV and film's cuddliest critters. 106 DRAWN TO BE MILD MARGE SIMPSON She's every man's ideal wife: curvy, wild-haired, and willing to accept a fat, balding, drunk loser as her knight in shining armor, till death—or Patty and Selma—do them part. Mmm...Marge. 108 SECURITY DETAILS THE WARS OF DELTA FORCE The government denies that the Army's top-secret Delta Force exists. But we can prove it does. Founding member Eric Haney takes you inside the elite unit's most dangerous missions from the past 25 years. 118 LA BELLA MAFIA MARRIED TO THE MOB Allison Dunbar heats up The Sopranos as a Miami Mafia wife. More important, she's a self-proclaimed-visual lesbian."Whatever that means, it sounds damn lesbianish. 129 LIFESTYLES OF THE LOATHED AND INFAMOUS OSAMA Q'RIBS The CIA can't find him. Special Ops can't find him. But we did. In a Maxim exclusive, the most vilified man in the world gives us an all-access pass to his hideout. 134 WORDS TO LIVE BY EXCUSE-O-METER Got a penis? Chances are you've never said the right thing to a woman. Until now.Our experts will tell you how to avoid the cold shoulder every time you open your mouth. REGULARS 16 READERS' LETTERS CANADA FIGHTS BACK! Our northern neighbor tries in vain to stand up for itself. 22 JOKES THE TAXMAN COMETH Laugh now. After the 15th, life won't be so funny. 24 CIRCUS MAXIMUS DICTIONARY FOR FRESH FISH Study up on everyday prison-yard lingo. 36 MAXIM WORLDWIDE PAULINA FLORES This Mexican hottie has studied psychology to prepare for a life after modeling. Start acting crazy now.ln a couple of years, this might be waiting for you on the couch. 46 HOW TO KILL BUGS Bedbugs biting? We'll teach you how to bite back. 54 ASK DR. MAXIM CAN YOU AVOID GETTING STONED? Passing a golf ball through your bladder is just no fun. 58 I WAS THERE THE ATM ATE MY CARD! One man's ugly war with the almighty cash machine. 62 INSTANT EXPERT IMPACT! Call Mommy: An asteroid's comin'! 64 SPORTS ATHENS, HERE WE COME! Meet our best chance for Olympic gold: the U.S. tag team. 68 HOT ZONE DEVILS ADVOCATES Heliboy and the Punisher bring sadistic new meaning to the term "superheroes." 143 MAXIM FASHION IN THE TRENCHES This spring the trench coat replaces the satin thong as the essential item for men. Plus, spring clothes to clown around in. 161 TOP GEAR CAPITAL PUNISHMENT We threw Hiroki on the rack to see if medieval torture is all it's cracked up to be. 168 BAR EXAM YOU'RE FAT! Find out how many slices of pizza you eat a year. Plus, executive editor James Heidenry finally reveals what's behind door number two! A MAXIM INVESTIGATION 172 SPECIAL REPORT NO MORE SECRETS The conspiracy nuts were right! After winning a Freedom of Information Act lawsuit, Maxim has accessed top-secret federal documents that reveal the truth about... JFK: The Zapruder film has long been the main evidence detailing JFK's death, but the Secret Service also shot footage that day. Why film a routine motorcade? Find out inside. Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa: If both disappeared, then why does the government have autopsy reports? Take a look...you be the judge. Roswell: In 1947 residents of Roswell, New Mexico claimed a UFO crashed outside of town. The government said it was a weather balloon. We reveal why it was neither—and both. The Dead: America's favorite running joke: Elvis and Hitler are alive and well. They're not...but one of them lived nine years longer than you think, and you'll never believe what he was doing.