Maxim # 93, September 2005

FEATURES 70 MAN AT HIS BEST BREAST YEARS OF HIS LIFE Back in 1997 he got breast implants to win a bet. Find out why gambler Brian Zembic still has a sweet rack. 96 INSTANT EXPERT MEAT: CAN'T BEAT IT! Face it, you don't know when to barbecue, when to roast, when to grill, and when it's time for a little bit of hot smoking (shame!). We teach you how to finally become a man. 98 TV-DAY! FALL TV PREVIEW Remember when network TV was good? Neither do we, but the new show My Name Is Earl offers a tiny glimmer of hope for the medium. And fear not, for Sex, Love & Secrets reminds us there's plenty of crap on the way, too. 106 RACHEL BILSON ENDLESS SUMMER We celebrate Miss Popular as The O.C. enters season three! Don't act like you're not excited. 110 AND THE WINNER IS... MAXIM'S TV AWARDS Because there's no Emmy for Best Infomercial. 114 MAID TO ORDER NADINE VELAZQUEZ The hottest TV maid since Marla Gibbs was once just a Catholic schoolgirl prone to catfights. Great work again, God. 118 SURVIVAL SCHOOL THE LOST BOYS Two teens drifted for six days on the ocean with no water or food. Read this before your next fishin'trip with Daddy. 142 COVER GIRL KELLY MONACO It seemed that all those years of fox trot lessons were a waste, until we saw Kelly on Dancing With the Stars. We get down with the woman who puts the "flame" back in the flamenco. 150 WE WANT ANSWERS! PAUL RUDD Trouble getting over a breakup? The star of The 40-Year-Old Virgin advises alcohol. Meet a deeply wise man. REGULARS 28 READERS' LETTERS WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? Because having thoughtful discourse is absolutely essential to maintaining an enlightened populace, dicknose. 36 THE FUNNIES LAUGH, STUPID! Aziz Ansari details the eternal struggle that exists between a man's faith and his lust for bacon. 38 CIRCUS MAXIMUS TOP COP The 16 greatest TV policemen face off to determine who most deserves that badge. Plus, we visit an Austrian beer bath, find a futurologist who explains how we can all achieve electronic immortality (hint: it involves downloading your brain), discover which mac 'n'cheese tastes best for all you college kids out there, and enter the bedroom of the hottest Jersey girl not currently working a pole at the Bada Bing. 54 HOW TO SCORE IN CHURCH And since you're living dangerously anyway, discover how to perform a body slam, kill a Tyrannosaurus rex, and do your laundry. It's a lot riskier than you think. 64 GROUP EFFORT BEG, BORROW, AND STEER Want to live like a Jay-Z but only have the income of a Hammer? Join the Classic Car Club and get yourself that Rolls-Royce (approximately every ninth day). 76 CELEBRITY ADVISER JOHN WATERS Mr. Pink Flamingos uses his impeccable taste to explain the delicate art of sploshing. 80 HOT ZONE HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRL? Meet Nina Kaczorowski, the stunt woman who proves once and for all that beauty and a high pain threshold can go hand in hand; then check out the incredibly long-awaited Jaws video game. (Can that Casablanca PSP title be far off?) 153 TOP GEAR SCREEN PLAY Mitsubishi's Pocket Projector ensures no American shall need to go without theater-quality viewing even for a few minutes. 163 MAXIM STYLE FABULOUS FALL Top designers head overseas, while renowned retailers reveal all the looks that will be smokin' this season. See if the tube top has at last returned. 188 ASK US ANYTHING HOW DO HOSPITALS DISPOSE OF BODY PARTS? It couldn't have anything to do with that butcher shop next door that sells those delicious yet bafflingly cheap"steaks." THE 2005 MAXIM NFL PREVIEW! 126 FOOTBALL FRENZY TURF WARS The complete rundown on the upcoming season ...plus a gaggle of cheerleaders showing why everyone should be watching the sidelines. 128 DIANE TALKS SMACK 132 ALL-MAXIM TEAM 135 JONATHAN VILMA 139 EXPERT ANALYSIS